The Weird Girl
I remember it like it was yesterday, and it still floods my mind from time to time. The painful memories are forever imprinted in my mind; things like that are hard to forget. When my mind finds its way to the depths of darkness, the demons find me there. I remember back in kindergarten, that’s when the bullying first started. I was(and still am) really shy and awkward, and I had trouble making friends.
People thought I was weird because I wasn’t very girly and liked Pokemon and other “boy stuff.” The bullying began with a girl we will call Ashley(All names are changed for post). She would always call me weird and lie about me to my friends. She invented lies about things I said or did. These lies were meant to turn my friends against me and/or make them favor her more. Those she was able to turn against me would end up joining her in bullying me. Otherwise, they would just cut me off completely.
A Target From the Start
I remember having a Best Friend in kindergarten, Courtney. She was the first friend I made. You know how it is: the first time in a room full of strangers is incredibly overwhelming. (Even today, I still struggle with this.) When you’re five years old, a girl sitting beside you asking to be friends is like winning the lottery. We immediately clicked and became close friends. I was so happy to have made a friend so quickly, with my being so shy.
Being five, I thought we’d be BFFs forever until Ashley had something to say about it. It was a long time ago, so of course, I don’t remember all of what happened. One thing I can say for sure is she started a chain reaction of bullying me and tearing my friendships apart. To this day, I don’t know why it first started, but it would end up lasting into middle school. It only ended because we ended up going to different high schools.
Unfortunately, along with her attending a different high school, my two best friends were zoned to go with her. Thankfully, we no longer had to wear the middle school uniforms that I always got teased for not being name-brand. Looking back on it, I realize it’s even more messed up thinking about it now. Being picked on at 11-12 years old, going to my parents crying because we had the polos from Target, not Aeropostale. Even buying those didn’t stop the bullying; it was always something. Leaving middle school and starting high school was like being back at square one. I knew a few people, but they were usually closer to other friends and went off to their own group. The few who did stick around—well, that’s a story for another day.
Is High School Supposed to be This Hard?
Given that we no longer had to wear uniforms, I could wear my regular clothes and express myself. Well, that didn’t go so well either. I was happy with my clothes; they were what I was comfortable in. However, being the “emo girl” was not as glamorized and trendy as the e-girls/e-boys of today. I wore all of my bracelets and band shirts from Hot Topic (before they ruined it) and concerts with my cousin, Ryan.
They constantly taunted me, saying that I cut myself (Which, at the time, no one knew was true)and called me disgusting names. I finally got to wear my band shirt and black jeans and feel comfortable in my clothes, and they told me to kill myself. Even changing up my clothes to be more feminine while also masking my severe eating disorder, they bullied me. I was incredibly self-conscious, even while I was losing weight and changing my appearance. It felt like no matter what I did, I would never be good enough.
High School was a storm I barely survived. I didn’t even get to finish the 11th grade before having to leave school due to trauma to be released at another time. Things were incredibly chaotic for the year to follow between therapy, hospitals, and homeschooling. I often stayed with my GMA/GPA, Granny/Papa Mike, and Mimi/Papa because they wanted to protect me from myself. I feel deeply sad for the pain I put them through, but I admire their strength and willingness to be there for me.
Bullying Wasn’t Just in the Past
I’m very thankful for my family surrounding me, protecting me, and standing by my side. They have all been crucial in getting me to where I am today. They worked alongside me and pushed me as I moved on to better things. My Papa taught me how to drive; I practiced driving to work with my Mimi and studied for my GED. I got my license and GED, passed entrance exams, and started college that week. I was 17 and 6 months ahead of my graduating class and off to better things.
Overall, college was MUCH better than high school. I had more freedom and made friends instantly (shout-out to Will C.”sit with me because the front row always gets A’s”), as well as ones I still have today. I was proud of opening up and making friends who had gone through similar things. I had never openly talked about my traumas before, but I made kind, empathetic friends I still have today.
However, judgment can come with opening up to some. My new friends and I met Peter, who quickly pointed out others’ flaws and made harmful comments. At first, he was kind until the comparisons and snide remarks began. He noticed and constantly pointed out my self-harm scars, calling them gross and disgusting. It felt like being right back in high school. I had really hoped this bullying thing would’ve ended by now, but I guess High School Never Ends.
What Would I Change?
At my young age, I’ve been through many things no one should experience. I once had a therapist say, “I’ve never had a 22-year-old patient with this many traumatic experiences.” Unfortunately, many more traumatic events occurred after being his patient. I’ve been through terrible things I’m not ready to talk about; I’ve seen tragedy and lost people; things that I’ve been through have greatly influenced who I am today.
The things I’ve been through are awful, and I wouldn’t wish them on my worst enemy. However, at the same time, I wouldn’t change them either. The things I went through enabled me to connect with people I might have never known on a deeper level. If I hadn’t learned to open up about my experiences and how I was truly feeling, things could be so different right now. I would have never met many of my friends or be able to be there for them, and that terrifies me. If I wasn’t there to understand what they were going through and be their ally, what would’ve happened.
If anything, I wish I would have used the tools offered to me more. My therapists and loved ones gave me advice over the years I wish I would have actually used. Using proper coping skills would have had a great impact on my overall mental health. What if I used tools like our Self Care Kits or breathing buddies rather than the negative coping skills? If I had done the homework given by my therapists, I would still be able to use those effective skills. Of course, hindsight is 2020 and things might have turned out differently if I did them.
What Would I Say To The Younger Me?
To the little girl who went through it all, you are an incredible, kind, and intelligent person. You did not deserve the things you went through and I’m so thankful to still be here. The horrible things that happened do not define you. To all who have experienced bullying- do not listen to the words they say. Do not let yourself believe how others treat you is what you deserve. The hurtful words they say are not who you truly are.
People can be cruel and say/do awful things when they’re hurting. This doesn’t make their words OK, but it also doesn’t make them true. Do not let bullying and the hardness of the world change who you are inside. You are a beautiful human being, and you can make a difference in this world. We are stronger than we believe ourselves to be and continuing to fight was the best decision I’ve ever made. I still have hard times, and the memories still cross my mind, but I won’t let them control me. The challenges we’ve faced are worth pushing through to get to the good parts.
While the traumatic experiences caused great pain and damage to my mental health, I have been strong enough to make it through. I am proud of myself and my resilience in surpassing the challenges I faced. The people I’ve met and the new world I’ve been opened up to have made it all worth it. I don’t care if people judge what I’ve been through anymore because I know my strength is admirable and I can help lots of people with my experiences.